Figuring out if your child鈥檚 behaviors are due to anxiety or something else
Everyone responds differently to their feelings, and anxiety can look different in each kid. Some children may look fearful, shaky, or panicky, while others might try very hard to avoid an anxious situation to the point where they get angry and throw temper tantrums. Some may also cry and try to distance themselves from others. However, kids can also do all of these things because of other reasons and not necessarily because they are feeling anxious 鈥 they might be overstimulated, they might feel confused because they don鈥檛 know what to do in certain situations, or they might be simply misbehaving.
For example, a child throws a tantrum in the middle of a shopping mall. They may be lashing out this way because:
- They feel anxious about going to a place where they might get lost
- They are overstimulated by a lot of sounds and people around them
- They are angry because their caregiver won鈥檛 buy them something they want
- They just want to go home and play on their tablet
Another example might be that of a child who does not play with other kids during recess at school. They may not be engaging because:
- They feel anxious about being judged by others
- They don鈥檛 know how to interact with other people
- They prefer to be alone
- All of the above!
As these examples show, it can be difficult to figure out the reason for children鈥檚 behaviors. Sometimes you might be pretty confident that your child is acting in a certain way because they are anxious. Other times, it might be unclear. Because these behaviors can look the same, see a few questions below that you can ask yourself to help distinguish anxiety from other reasons for a behavior.
If the behavior includes verbal or physical aggression, it is not acceptable 鈥 regardless of its cause. Because of this, no matter what the cause of the aggressive behavior is, it is important that your child learn that this behavior is unacceptable through consequences (e.g., immediate time-out, privilege removal, or another agreed upon consequence).
If they are trying to gain access to something (e.g., a tablet) or get their way as opposed to avoid something, it is less likely to be anxiety-related. If they are trying to avoid something, ask yourself why. Do they avoid it because they think something bad will happen if they do not? If so, they may be experiencing anxiety. The questions below can assist you in figuring this out.
Think about what happened right before the behavior and ask yourself if your child would find any aspects of the situation or request worrying or scary. Also consider when they exhibit this behavior 鈥 is it always in response to a specific trigger? To test your theory, you can do a mini-experiment 鈥 recreate possible triggers that you think may be frightening to your child. Do this a few times, and find the trigger that leads to your child鈥檚 behavior.
Children can learn to use their emotions to get what they want, which can make it even more challenging to accurately distinguish anxiety versus misbehavior. It can be helpful to watch your child鈥檚 response when they successfully avoid the situation versus how they respond during the situation when they are required to follow through. See if and when the behaviors change or stop. Is it right when they get what they want? If required to follow through with the situation, do they continue for the entire duration? Are there certain aspects of the situation that revive the behavior? Asking these questions can help determine if there are certain aspects of the task that are anxiety inducing.
Lastly, it is okay if you cannot always clearly tell when certain behaviors are due to anxiety or other reasons. This is not an easy task! You can first try addressing problems that are clearly anxiety-related, and wait to address problems that are less clear. Over time, it often becomes easier to pick anxiety-related behavioral problems, or you can apply your anxiety-management skills to see if they help with a particular behavior.